I've been a bad, bad girl...

So I swore to myself that I wouldn't speak ill about my exes or any date I go on after the magician incident.  But my last ex is behaving in a way that needs to be addressed so I can prevent other people from going through what I'm feeling right now.

I'm feeling disgust and disbelief about him right now.  Because he's being a creeper.  No, he's not stalking my Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr or even this blog.  He's stalking my current online dating profiles.  The profiles I suspended and deleted because I was in what I thought was a "committed" relationship.  He was committed alright, to what every guy who is a jerk and a loser is committed to:  Booze and Sex.

We dated officially for 2 months, so when he stop responding to my messages and not answering my calls, I gave him about 4 weeks, or about half the length of the relationship, to get in touch.  I figured that after the 4th week, we were officially broken up.  So I sent him one last message and moved on with my life.  I pretty much grieved that relationship in the past 4 weeks, so I was ready to reboot my dating profiles.  On a funny note, my mom didn't even like him and had more faith in him than I ended up with.  Sorry, but when you leave your girlfriend of one month standing on your porch and you're napping on the couch on the other side of the wall, she doesn't have a desire to come to your place again and risking her being left again.

2 weeks after I booted my profiles back up, I get a notification from one about a page view.  I look at the guy who looked at my profile, and it's this guy.  Like he had to make sure it was me after 6 weeks since we had last seen each other or exchanged words.  And I didn't even change my picture from my profile that he contacted months ago, so he knew it was me.

And now tonight I check another profile's notification of a view, and lo and behold, it's him again.  That's two separate profiles in the past month and a half.  Especially since the second doesn't count the view unless you specifically click on the person.  So he intentionally looked at my profile to check it.  And like the other site, I use THE SAME DANG PICTURES.  So he could see without clicking that it was me.  So he's either more stupid than I thought, or much creepier and more controlling than I thought, and neither site well with me.

Once I can understand as an accident, but a second time, which only counts full views as views, tonight makes me think that he's being a creeper.  And I've been talking to someone I met on a site that I really am excited about, but this thing tonight plus a SVU marathon is making me unnaturally edgy.

So here's the lesson being laid out tonight:  If you meet someone online, and know that they have multiple profiles, don't intentionally click on their profiles if you know it's them.  It shows up on their notifications bar, and they can see you, especially when they truly want to move on.

I'm done and off my soapbox now.  And hopefully I start getting more good pick up lines soon.  Lately it's been a bunch of "Hello"s and "How are you"s.  Which I can't rip into, making this blog less fun.

Not a Bleedin' Picasso

"I like how your nose is in the middle of your face.  I think it's really cute."

So have you met girls who have their nose on like their forehead or their chin?  Most, if not all, noses are in the middle of the face.

Follow through sucks

"That awkward moment when you try to message a girl and all you can think of is hello."

That one is fine. until I responded and never got something back.  Seriously, if you're going to be this good at getting a girl to talk to you, you should have the balls to follow through with the conversation.  Grow a pair to go with the fictional pair that you needed to message me through a dating site.

Weather Appropriate

"I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you."

No.  You're not a snowflake.  This isn't like the Notebook's "You're a bird, I'm a bird."  Which I never cared for anyway.

You're a wanna-be smooth operator.  If I were in a bar and you used that on me, I wouldn't even give you a look to respond.  No, my response would have been to roll my eyes and walk away.  Dear lord, what are you being taught to think that this line would actually work?

Guys, tell me, is there some manual that you are secretly handed that is filled with pick up lines that tend to work on enough dumb girls that you think they will work on all girls?

Back to the Drawing Board

My hiatus is over.

It was fun, for a while.  But now it's over, and quite honestly, it's better this way.  I wasn't happy, especially that early.

So now we just wait until the pick up lines start flowing in again.

Indefinate Hiatus

I no longer have any dating sites.

I have no more need for them.  ;-)

If you comment and tell me your pick up lines, I could possibly give my two cents about those, but for my own life, there will be no more for the foreseeable future.

Thank you for being such a great audience.

I call Shenanigans

"You're so beautiful that I forgot my pick up line."

No, because I'm sure that you didn't, because this is your pick up line.  If you have to mention having a pick up line in the message, the message itself is a pick up line.

And I can't be all that that beautiful to you because of the fact that I'm wearing a Blackhawks jersey in my profile picture and he's wearing a Blues jersey.  Personally, I would date a Blues fan, but only if they were sincere and accepting.  But most hockey fans are die hard, and most guys who are hockey fans aren't as accepting of others as most girls.  I actually have been told by no less than 3 guys through my adventures who were Blues fans that the main reason that I was being rejected by them was in quotes "You're a filthy Blackhawks fan."  One guy is normal, two is coincidence, and three or more is a trend.

Which is the reason I have my profile pic in my Blackhawks jersey.  This way I can weed out the deadbeats and rude people from the real guys.  And also let them know that I'm sports fan who happens to be a girl, and not just a girl sports fan.  That difference is another post entirely.

Like most girls, I want to be told I'm beautiful because it's honestly how the guy feels.  Not as a pick up line.  And until recently, I haven't ever been told I was beautiful.

Clarification

When I started this blog, it was 100% geared towards making fun of the horrible pick up lines I get from different guys on different sites and apps. Because I didn't think I wanted a relationship for real until my job future was secure.

Once I knew my job was secure, I realized I was kinda lonely and most of all missed the companionship that came with a relationship.  I missed the bonding over shared interests, experiencing the other's interests for the first time, and most of all the just spending time together not saying a word.

So when I was invited out with coworkers and was introduced to one of their guy friends, I was open to seeing what happened.  They knew we had lots in common and that we both were nerds of the highest order.  So I thought we really hit it off, and we went out by ourselves a week later.  I had a great time and we had lots of fun, and he never called back.  But it was the kick I needed to realize that I was ready to date, for real.

Thus I took the online dating more seriously.  I still paid attention for horrible pick up lines to post here, but I actually started taking a look at guys for being guys, not for being tools.  And I took a chance with Mr. Magician, and it bit me in the rear.  But someone is out there, and I'm hoping he's online.

I'm still going to do this blog.  But the only adventures I will post will be the horrible and humorous.  If I meet a guy and he ends up being great and wonderful and we begin a relationship, then how it's going is no one's business.  The most anyone reading this will get is me telling you all if I did find someone worth my time and energy.  But nothing more.

So if you're hoping for play by play on every date I go on, forget it.  If you're waiting for a description of a wonderful guy I find, you're not going to read one.  This blog is for humor and sarcasm and reflection.  If you're disappointed, I really couldn't care less.

Spelling Bee Dropouts

I can't remember if I posted about this one, but I have had at least 3 guys in the past two weeks send me the same pick up line, and I guess I have to address it again.

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together."

Why rearrange the alphabet when N and O are already together?  This is just pitiful.  You aren't even trying to get me if you use this bad of a pick up line.  It's that bad.  Really, THAT BAD!

Like decades old, these lines were used on my mother and my grandmother.

I even told my mom about a few of these pick up lines, since she's kinda wary about me trying online dating.  And she couldn't believe some of the lines I have gotten, and either didn't post or posted on this blog.  And guess what, she's completely behind me writing this blog about the horrible pick up lines and my bad experiences in online dating.

Because how else will girls know what to look out for, and how will guys know what not to do?  I write about these because someone has to.

There was a reason the Ice Age came around...

This is one of those moments where I'm proud of my tiny audience.  I got sent my first "This bad pick up line happened to me."  And boy... is it a doozy...  

And I'm proud of the reader who had the brains to screenshot this shit!

I gotta say, good job staying in character man.  But it seems you were outsmarted.  If you want to be taken seriously, whether it be for a hook up or a relationship, this is probably classified under "Immature" and "Classless" and "Slightly Offensive".  

But hey, you're the one who made this profile.  And now it's on my blog.  The internet is FOREVER.

Cut the cheese. Seriously, cut it OUT!

"I'm Single and Ready to Mingle!"
Wow.  It's the most cliche and the most cheesy thing I have been sent in the longest time.  What are you, 12?  Serious question, what did you google to think that this would be good to send to a girl?

I would hope that if you are on a dating site that you're actually single.  Like you've never been married or that your divorce is final.  That is what I think of when I think single.  So I don't consider you single if you're seperated, because legally you're still married.  I don't consider you single if you're on a "break" with your girl, because technically you're still in whatever relationship you're in.

I'm over this line already, because it's not new, not cute, and kind of pompous.

My Turn Ons, Installment One

I've been having a slow line time, so I'm going to list and describe three things that I'm drawn to on first glance that doesn't make sense for my personality.

• Beards-  I'm picky about facial hair.  I prefer manscaping over a let go beard.  And quite honestly, if you can't grow a full beard, you need to manscape to what you can grow.  If you can only grow sideburns, a goatee, and a moustache, then scape it into those.  But overall, I prefer facial hair to clean shaven.  So if I had to choose between a manscaped guy with a goatee, a lumberjack who is scraggly, and a clean shaven man, I would choose Mister Goatee Manscape.
• Tattoos-  Not many people understand my attraction to tattoos.  But I'm only attracted to certain tattoos and styles and placements.  Arm tattoos are a definite yes, and neck tattoos turn me off.  I lean towards the black and white and gray tattoos more than color tattoos.  But if a guy is wearing a short sleaved t-shirt, and I can see some black and gray tattoos on his arms, I'm instantly attracted.
• Ex-Military/Military-  I love me a man in uniform, and the thought of a guy being in the military in the past is brave and heroic and super hot to me.  

There you go.  If you know of a guy who fits these basic criteria, send him my way.  As long as he also has a brain to go with everything.  

Public Service Announcement! PSA!

Men like to be told they're pretty too.

Ok, not "You're so pretty." exactly like that. But men like to be told that they're good looking.  And good looking to one person may not be good looking to someone else, but as long as the two people think each other is attractive, why not let them know.  Especially when you're starting out.

When you're starting out, it's nice to tell the other person that you're attracted to them.  As a girl, I love being told that I'm pretty.  Mostly because I never felt pretty.  I was really never told I was beautiful.  Sure my mom and grandma and dad and other relatives told me, but I never heard it from an outside opinion.  I heard all the time that my sister was beautiful by other people, but I never was told.

I wasn't even told that I was beautiful by any of my past relationships.

So I know that when a guy tells me multiple times "gorgeous" "cute" cutie", I like it a lot.  So I reciprocate.  I tell the guy what I think.

Maybe in a future post, when I have another stretch without a pick up line like today, I can list and explain what I find... well... sexy.

Finale of the Magician Saga

Note today on the calendar.

I got closure from a guy about what was going on in his head.  Score one for me.

He agreed to answer any question honestly, so I asked him about if he was lying about cancelling on me multiple times.  He told me he was busy, just lied about how busy. I asked him if he saw me as a date/potential relationship or a hook up.  He said he didn't do hook ups.   I asked him if there was any chance we would have seen each other again.  He said probably not, because he got cold feet.

Cold feet.  About a second date.

You've got to be kidding me. 

Honey, if you're getting cold feet about a second date, you need to take a step back and decide if you're psychologically ready to date people.  Period.  If the commitment of a date, not a relationship, not an engagement, not a marriage, gives you cold feet, you shouldn't be dating a girl and telling her about weeks in the future and taking her to sporting events.  Because then you become a liar.  You're lying about possible future dates, a future relationship.  Because if the thought of bowling with a girl over beers gives you cold feet, you have a long way to go before you're ready.

Safe to say, Mr. Magician is out of the picture.

The Walking Dead? Sorry, no Twinkies, no deal.

"I would love to survive a zombie apocolypse with you."

Ummm.  Ummmm.

First of all, I don't think I'm a great partner for the end of the world.  I've never shot a gun, I can't run very fast, and the only thing going for me is my brain telling me to lock multiple doors and just wait it out.

Unless you know that the person watches a specific show or a specific genre of movie, then don't make up a pick up line that weird if it doesn't fit the person.

Yo hablo ingles. Seriously, I speak English.

Tan solo quería saludarte.  (Just wanted to say hello.)

¡No hay quien se resista a esa mirada tan dulce!  (No one can resist that sweet look!)

I speak English.  If you actually read my profile, you would actually see that everything is in impeccable English.  I really don't want to go back and forth to Google Translate when talking to you.

And because I have to work hard to see you're saying, I'm less inclined to say yes.

Sorry, but I'm just being honest.

Magician part 2

I fell under the spell of the "magician" in the last post.  Just for a little.  But enough to warrant a post of the lesson learned.

After we got past the absurdity of his weak excuse of a pick up, he was a great conversationalist.  we talked everyday.  He would reply to everything I said and I replied to his.  Mine more of a polite thing.

We exchanged numbers, because I didn't want to use my data.   We kept texting and SnapChatting for another week and then we met face to face.  And the date we went on was great.  We talked, we laughed, we drank, we were merry. He also said that I was a very nice person.  Which is what everyone who gets to know me says.   But I said I wanted to go slow because of the fact that the whole online dating someone was new to me.  He told me that was perfectly fine.

Apparently not.

So we tried making plans for another date.  We set a time and place, and he told me to be there.  Day comes, I get a text saying something came up and we have to reschedule.  We did.  I ask him the day before the reschedule if we were still on.  He said yes.  Day of reschedule comes.  He cancels again, no promise of reschedule.  I offer a quick meet up in replacement.  He says he WON'T have time.  Not that he doesn't have time.  He WON'T.

Fine then, I WON'T be texting him again, and I WON'T be SnapChatting him again.  And I WON'T promise that I will never go to his work.  That's what he gets for working in a popular retail chain.  I'll go, and he's going to have to be nice to me there, because that's what he's paid to do.  Be nice and helpful to customers.  Now if he could only use those skills in real life when he's not getting paid.

And if he tries to pull me back under his spell, then I WON'T be swept off my feet again by him.

Can you at least try? No... Sorry I'm not Sorry!

"I'm a magician.  And today is Monday!"

Dear.  Lord.  Almighty!

This isn't a joke.  A guy seriously just used this as a pick up line/conversation starter.  And what's my reflex to this much stupidity?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

SARCASM!  I use sarcasm on the poor sucker.

Obviously if this is your idea of a good line, you need to go to a middle school, watch some 6th graders, and take a few pointers on how to impress girls, because I have seen better lines used by them.

Creeper Alert

So a while back I got a generic wink on a dating site.  The guy looked interesting, so I sent a message telling him that I appreciated the wink, but I like messages with conversation better.

I didn't get a response to that right away, so I forgot about it.

Until tonight, when he sends me message after message.

• Ok.  I'll send messages.
• What's your phone number
• What are you up to?

After this one, I replied that I was going to bed because my body is still on teacher time, which is mostly the truth.  But the main goal of that message was to get him to leave me alone.

But he didn't.

• I hope you have sweet dreams.
• I wish I were there to tuck you in.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!  My red lights are flashing.  Call me old fashioned, but telling a girl you just started a conversation with that you wish you could tuck her in is EXTREMELY CREEPY!  I know from my experience dating creepy guys that this is bad news.  

I'm just going to ignore this bozo from now on.

Nickleback? Take the whole dollar, you're done!

I can honestly say now that I nixed a guy because of his taste in music.

If your pick up is "Just wanted to say hi!" then I will take a look at you.  Really, I will.  Because the ball is in my court and it's more honest than anything else I've posted here.

But when the only interests you show are your tastes in music, and your top band is Nickleback, I for the life of me cannot take you seriously.  Because Nickleback is just... blegh.  Seriously, the most cliche about liking Nickleback is admitting you like Nickleback.  Nickleback isn't one of the bands you advertise that you like.  It's not the awesome cousin you drag everywhere because they're awesome.  Nickleback is that cousin that you pray to the heavens above to stay home whenever you go somewhere, but doesn't because they want to show off their "awesome new weave" when in reality it looks like it was swept off the floor of a drag queen's reject pile.

No, Nickleback is a dealbreaker.  No ifs, ands, or buts.

Pictures with the Profile

I got a request from a guy about a decade older than I am, and I clicked on his profile before I either accepted or denied.

He had two pictures with his profile.  The main one that everyone sees of just his face.  Dude couldn't crack a smile to save his life.  Personally, if I can't tell that you know what "fun" means, we're not going to be compatible.  I like a little humor with my man, and honestly if you can't take a joke, you can't take me out.

The other picture was of him, grim look on his face, fanning out a bunch of $10 bills.  Dear lord, it took me about 15 minutes to stop laughing.

Everything after this point should be taken with sarcasm and snark.  

I am so impressed by you waving your money in front of your face.  I know that you can buy me lots of stuff with your wad of $10 bills.  I'm always impressed with mediocrity and know that living on $10 bills or lower is just what I want as a college graduate with a full time job.

Everything after this point is to be read normally.

 Just outright saying that you should take care of what pictures you use with your dating profile.  Because you could have them made fun of here.

Upon Further Review, The Call Stands: No Goal!

"Would you consider yourself a romantic person?"

I was considering this one.  No, my first idea was to just pass this guy up based on his picture, age, and username.  Then I read his message, and considered him.
I was actually part way through a response when I got the urge to look through his profile, which isn't strange.  If they have something in common with me, I like to mention it in the response.
Instead I see this line over and over again:  I only date white girls.

Even though I don't know him, seeing this makes me think the worst that he is the worst kind of racist.  That he's not open to new people and new ideas.  And once it was "I only date sexy white girls" which means that if he met me, I would be nixed just because of my size.  Which is even less open minded because us bigger girls want the same thing as any woman:  we want to find love.

It could be possible that he has other reasons to post what he posted.  He could have different ideas of what sexy is.  But I don't know that.

So I'm sticking with my first reaction and just passing him up because Frankly, I can't give a damn about someone this closed off.

Buy one get one free!

"You must have lasers for eyes, because you just stunned me."

Hold on, I'm still cracking up about this one.  I know I said I was a geek, but this is just bad.  Like I would pour my drink on you at the bar if you used this on me bad.    Stop and learn how to talk to girls.  Because at least in my family, the lasers aren't my eyes.  Think Austin Power's FemBots.  ;)

"Hello, I'm a thief and I'm about to steal your heart."

Thanks for letting me know.  I'll let Life Alert know.  And how the hell did you get past the security check?

A Good One

"How would you describe your type?"

I love this.  It's a genuine question that can be answered shallowly by shallow people.  And if it's answered shallowly, then the person asking the question knows the shallow answer is by a shallow person.

And when they ask me, I give deep answers.  Deep answers are great because I can show that I have a brain that actually works 3 feet above my ass, not just empty space.  That I look for what's on the inside, so I look like a real person.  

Questions like this set me apart from the ditzy women who in reality get the guys at the bars.

And so you know, I responded.

User Names

Dear Lord, usernames.  I am going to be the first woman to admit that when I'm going through the interested parties on the dating sites, I will nix guys who have either unoriginal or extra cheesy usernames.

Most guys on these sites use their usernames as an extra pick up line trying to get me to answer them.  There are the unoriginal lines, as SingleAndReadyToMingle and Ready4Love.  These are just pathetic.  Extremely pathetic.

The extra cheesy variety includes such names as MisterRight and IronFootlong.  Nope nope nope nope nope.

Guys, make sure your username is somewhat normal and reflects you.  Please don't try too hard to make us look, because if you try too hard, I will look over you.

Ewwww... I don't do that.

"I think I've just found the angel I'd like to be touched by."

No. This one is lewd and crude. At least to me, it implies that you want to get busy right away. And I don't know about other women, but I know that I'm a lady, so you better treat me like one.

And if you used this on a girl and it worked, chances are you got an easy one.

Besides, how do you know if I'm fully an angel. I could be more of a little devil than you realize.


I responded to someone. This is what he wrote. "What's your favorite movie?"

This was a winner because it was a personal question that made me feel like he wanted to get to know me for me. Now we see if this works out.

Two-For-One Special on Aisle NO!

• "If you had three wishes, what would they be?"
• My first wish would be for a never ending fountain of Pepsi products in my home, office, and car.  My second wish would be for the man meant for me to make an appearance already so I know who I'm dealing with.  The third is to make Mister Genie Wanna-be to leave me the hell alone forever.  This line is so random.  It's a line we used in the sorority to get to know girls to find out the most about them in the least amount of time.  If I wanted to respond to those kind of questions, I would just go back to the sorority house.
• "How has your day been?"
• What, you already think you know me well enough to ask how my day went?  You really want the first thing I tell you was how stressful it is being a teacher?  No one realizes how stressed we are, and we only want to be asked  how we're doing if we want to vent the stress.  Not really impressive, sultry, get to know you talk.  This is like you skipped the get to know you foreplay and went straight for the kill.  Uh, no.  Not going to respond to you, because what I can tell you will scare you both away from me and away from having children for a while.\

Don't forget to follow the Twitter and leave you comments about your own experiences with really bad pick up lines.

Drop it like it's hot... or just lukewarm

"Excuse me, but I dropped something:  My Jaw!"

And your pride.

It took me a while to stop laughing at this one, because it's one of those lines that probably has a higher success rate in public rather than online.

Online, the jaw dropping comment just seems a bit strange.  Like you can't believe that real women actually are one these sites.  Yes, we exist.  And we deserve the same amount of respect online that we deserve in public.

Best Line Ever.

"If you ever want to get to know each other, feel free to message me."

DING DING DING!  We have a winner!  Finally, a member of the male species that offers up conversation instead of cheese!  I seriously thought that these men only existed in romantic literary works and in Tom Hiddleston.  A guy who wants to get to know a girl and know everything about her.  Such an old fashioned concept.  No one does that anymore.  I was about to start seeing if there was going to be a new National Geographic show titled "Quest for the Mysterious Gentleman"

And here we have a local water hole where members of the male species gather.  See the females gather in groups for moral support.

Our first subject is attempting to gain the female's attention.  Let's listen in carefully to hear his natural mating call. "Hey baby, if I had a nickel for every pretty girl like you I have seen, I would have a nickel."  Ooh, she turns her head away from him, her face showing what looks like disgust.  

Another male approaches.  Will he succeed in gaining her phone number to pursue her as a potential mate?  "Excuse me, but I noticed you were wearing a Dale Earnhardt Jr. charm on your bracelet.  He is my favorite driver as well."  The female seems interested.

But thank you, random dude.  I know now that there are men interested in me as a person, and not just for a fun time.

Directionaly Challenged

"What's up, good looking?"

The sky.  Clouds.  The International Space Station.  The Millennium Falcon.

Who says what's up anymore to be cool or to impress someone?  Someone says What's up to me, and all I can think of is that old Budweiser commerical where everyone says Whazzup!  into each other's phones.

What's up is something I say to my students to see if something's wrong.  Not something I say to someone to impress them or flirt.

Besides, what would you have asked me if you didn't consider me to be good looking?  "Hey.... you... how's... things?"

Promises, Promises

"I have a great pick up line.  How about I tell you in person."

This one is actually quite intriguing.  I mean, it's a pick up line, but not a pick up line.  It's a pick up line disguised as a promise of later.   This guy has game. Granted, I can still shut out his game like a top hockey goalie.  But he's no rookie player.  This guy is like... the Andrew Shaw of pick ups but I'm the Henrick Ludquist of defense.

Congrats, random guy with game.  You actually threw me off and got me considering responding.

If I do respond, I will hold you to the promise.

Slow Line Day #1

At the moment, there are no new pick up lines.

So, for these posts, I will tell you all "lines" that would actually work on me.

"I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose."- I am a Marvel nut, and this introduction by Loki in the Avengers is as close to a real line as you can get.  I will respond to this.  Partially because it is an amazing line.  Partially since it was my favorite actor saying the original line.  Partially since the line was written by Joss Whedon.  PS- Bonus points if the guys says it in a British accent.

"You have bewitched me body and soul."- This line by the changed hero.  This movie based on what is considered THE romance novel.  This actor who knows exactly how to inflect his voice.  Again, British accent.  Setting of a sunrise over a misty field.  Love Pride and Prejudice so much.  I will respond to this.

I warned you all that I'm a nerd.  I respond to nerdy things.

Answer to the Most Absurd Question

"Why is a good lookin' person like you still single?"

Why indeed.  That's not something I will tell someone using this as a pick up line.

It's something I tell people to be a warning against opening yourself up to the wrong people.  People who can sense that you were a kind and trusting person.  People who could sense that you had a notion that every man wants to be Prince Charming and a gentleman.  People who take advantage of your sweetness for their own gain, whether for academic, physical, or emotional reasons.

It's something that has made me who I am.  Something that helped me create the standards I use when meeting men.  Something that nags in the back of my mind that there is a strong possibility that I will live my life alone, with my cats and my music.

It's something I use to keep myself safe from heartbreak.  When the person you give a chance in high school to  sleeps with your best friend, after telling you that he wanted to date you for 2 1/2 years.  When you date the guy who gives you your first kiss, and he is too embarrassed to tell his parents he's dating you.  When you think that you find someone in college, and he just wants to use you for your body and tells you that he only said he loved you to get in your pants.  When a guy chooses to woo you with kindness just to be able to hook up with another girl from the sorority, and you find out that he has done this with many of your sisters.  When a guy tells you that his biggest regret in high school was not asking you out, then keeping you on a figurative fishing line for a year and a half just so he can feel power.

I'm still single because I'm scared.  As you can see, my track record has bee full of "Real Winners" (Note MAJOR Sarcasm).  I have had so many of these men in my life that I have become jaded.  I need someone to show me that my standards for men are reasonable.  I need to be shown that there are real, honest, and kind gentlemen in our world, and not just available in the "Extremely Attractive, British, Actor" model.

It's almost insulting when I get asked that question, like it's my fault I'm single.  It's my choice, based on past experience, to not settle for mediocre, because when I do settle for mediocre, it doesn't end well.

So never ask that to a woman, unless you want to know her past heartaches and heartbreaks.  And be warned, if you do ask that, prepare to be depressed afterwards.

So sorry that this post isn't witty and funny, but sometimes honesty is better than humor.  More necessary sometimes.

Repeats need to go away.

"Why aren’t you in jail? It's illegal to look that good."

Do I have to repeat myself on why this one is bad?  It sucks more than my vacuum cleaner.  I can at least turn my vacuum off.

I'm a nerdy girl.  Stupid pick ups don't work on me.  I'm friends with nerdy girls.  Stupid pick ups don't work on them either.

I should start posting some of the ones I personally will respond to.  Granted, they're movie quotes, but they make me weak at the knees.  

Another Oldie.

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together."

I think I've heard this one too... back in like 4th grade.  Dear Lord, get it through your head:  If it's clever, it's been done like a million and a half times.  Why is it that this one is still in a guy's repertoire?  It's not original, and a third grader probably came up with it.  If a third grader and a grown up man both used this line on me, I would be more inclined to react to the third grader because it's cute.  With the grown man it leans towards pathetic.  Like Michael Jackson lean, not Leaning Tower lean.

Please, just talk to a girl normally.  We as women feel less attractive because these stupid lines keep getting used on us.  It's like we aren't worth all your effort.  Guess what, not every woman will fall at your feet when you use a pick up line.  Interests go a long way.

One word.

"Why is a good looking person like you still single?"

Standards.  I have standards.  And most guys who hit on me, usually with cheesy, crappy pick up lines, do not meet those standards.

If you are a self respecting woman, you have some form of standards about what you look for in a guy and what attracts you.  And most times, it's what was great about how our fathers treated our mothers.

My dad treats my mother with respect, humor, concern about her well being, and looks at her after over 25 years exactly like he did at the beginning.  I look for the guy who is respectful, has a sense of humor, cares about me as a person, and looks at me like I'm the best thing since sliced bread.  Which in order to sense that look, I believe I am.  I'm not being selfish and over confident.  I have to believe that I'm worth working for in order for my standards to hold up.

So, gentlemen, here is my tip:  Don't ask a girl why she's still single.  Because most times, the truth will depress you.  Instead, ask her if she's single to begin with.  Never assume a girl is single.  That way, when you find out, you already have a point in your corner.

This one should be a felony

"Why aren’t you in jail? It's illegal to look that good."

Because I'm a good girl?  Because I'm smarter than that?  Because that line doesn't ever work, does it?  Because I just got out on parole?

Other than this one just plain sucks, it implies to me that I'm a bad girl.  Sorry, I don't want a Mr. Wickham, because I'm holding out for Mr. Darcy.  This kind of line makes me feel like I'm just another Lydia.  

Besides, I know you're lying through your teeth.

Instead, tell me something specific and honest about myself.  "I'm sorry to bother you, but your eyes just caught me.  They are such a unique shade of blue, that I'm honestly not sure what they are."  Be a gentleman about it, and don't let your first comment be about my rack.

Deja Vu. More like Deja NO!

Only one of the day: "I lost my number.  Can I borrow yours?"

Strange.  I feel like I have heard this one before.

OMG!  Because I have.  Like yesterday.

I'm serious guys.  This line is an automatic no go.  Not only because it's so old that my grandma probably turned down my grandpa because he used this line.  He didn't use the line, but grandma did turn him down.  Twice.  Until he got his game together.  MEN GET YOUR GAME TOGETHER!

It's completely unoriginal.  Like you are a probie going out for the first time and you Google "How to Pick Up Girls" and select the first option.  That works for things like "When the Cubs last won a World Series" (1908 btw).  Not for getting a girl to notice you.

Instead, pay attention to her.  Comment about something specific so you can lead into a CONVERSATION (hey, novel idea).  If a girl is wearing a necklace, ask her where she got it because you want to get something special and unique for your mother for her birthday.  Does it have to be true?  No, but starting a conversation about her is a plus.

If you have horrible moments on Dating sites or in person with pick up lines, leave a comment!

3 in One- Here We Go!

Here are the first three pick up lines:

• Is your dad an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes
• Guys, how can you tell this from a picture? Especially since the picture I have as my profile on this site is of me, after work, with a beer, acting goofy. I don't believe you. When you say my eyes sparkle in a picture, I automatically think "Dear Lord, I have Red-Eye". Unless I put some effort into my pictures, which 95% of the time I don't, my eyes don't look great. And my dad's a farmer, so all he did was teach his little girl to not be afraid to get dirty. (Insert innuendo here)
• I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
• I think my grandfather tried this one on my grandmother in 1950. And it was old then. Sometimes, oldies aren't goodies.
• If I received a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I would have five cents.
• If I had a nickel for every time I heard a variation of this, I would have more than five cents. And five cents doesn't buy you anything anymore, except maybe to cover the tax at McDonalds. I'm serious, I'm not impressed, and I also think you're cheap because you're asking for nickels. For God's Sake, ask for dollars, they spend better.

INSTEAD- mention that we have similar interests. I would be more prone to talk to you in person if we had something in common, and that doesn't change when it comes to the internet. If you like The Avengers, and I like The Avengers, we can have a conversation starting with the Avengers, and it can lead to other subjects.

Stay tuned for more actually used pick up lines, and don't forget to follow this blog's twitter!

Introduction

I started a dating profile yesterday.  Yesterday, as in the day before today.

And already I have been hit with three horrible pick up lines to get me to talk to these guys.  Seriously, I have had the profile less than 24 hours, and they're horrible!  These guys actually think that these lines work!

And I know that I am not the only woman out there to be actually turned off by pick up lines.  Especially bad pick up lines.

So this blog is going to be both comical and educational.  For the my fellow ladies, it's going to be comical.  And you are welcome to share your experiences with horrible pick up lines as well.

As for the gentlemen, this is going to be your learning tool.  I will be honestly tearing apart each of these pick up lines and be explaining why these suck.  And if you have used these in the past, I'm sorry but using these will hurt your game, and as a woman, I'm tired of hearing these and cringing inside each time I hear, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven because you're an angel."  New ideas will be given, and the ladies you meet will thank you for not using these.

So sit back, because this will be full of ups and downs.

And don't forget to follow the Twitter that goes with this blog:  twitter.com/HorriblePickUps